Lost Parent Diary

03 May

dad = persona non grata in delivery room

May 03, 2008 @ 11:53 am - Written by Andre
New Parents : Pregnancy | permalink | trackback url

Delivery room Dad In mid-April, the British Daily Mail published an opinion written by Michel Odent, a renown obstetrician. In the opinion, Dr. Odent argues that the delivery room is no place for a husband. Not only is the father’s presence unneeded, it also is a hinderance to his wife’s labor. As a result, a husband unwittingly increases the length and pain of the labor as well as the need for intervention. In addition, it also may cause negative psychological effects on the father.

Dr. Odent’s opinion in a nutshell

Dr. Odent has been involved in childbirth for 50 years and been in charge of 15,000 births. He notes a massive change in society about this issue between today and when he began. He attributes it to the small nuclear family and believes that it has become more of a doctrine, rather than a conscious well thought out decision. His opinion is based on his personal beliefs and experience rather than any scientific fact; he notes that there is a lack of scientific study on this subject in general.

Reasons why father’s ought not be in the delivery room:

Husbands are distractions - when giving birth, the more instinctual or primal areas of the brain take control. A women should not be thinking or speaking because it inhibits these parts of the brain. When a husband is present at the birth talking to his wife, asking her questions, etc., he precludes her from relaxing and focusing on the labor.
Husbands stress out their wives - this builds further upon the first point. In addition to distracting the mother by talking to her, his body also produces adrenaline, which is the antithesis of oxytocin, a hormone key to birthing. Dr. Odent mentions cases where wives struggle to give birth with their husbands at their side and, when he leaves the room for a moment, the child comes out. They call it “bad luck” but he says otherwise.
Husbands cope differently - men present at the birth may suffer a kind of post-natal depression. When mild, it may materialize as an illness or migraine. At its worst, the husband leaves never to be seen again.
Relationship suffers - most directly, the sexual relationship. There is a degree of mystery to eroticism. After taking part in the birth, the relationship may never be the same.

My Conclusion

As the birth of my child approaches, I will need to make a decision about if I will participate in it or not. Dr. Odent’s opinion has given me a lot to think about.

I agree with him that there is a strong bias in society at present for the father to be at the birth (recent movies all seem to show the father at the birth rather than waiting outside the delivery room sweating it out). Much of what Dr. Odent says makes sense but it doesn’t seem so clear cut, especially when it comes to the psychological effects it has on the father. Both Dr. Odent and I would like to see some scientific studies done on it.

I’ve talked with a few fathers who have been at their child’s birth. One thing I’ve noticed is that they go the the first one, but not to the second. I can’t bring myself to ask them about their sexual relationship with their wives…

Your Opinions

Please read Dr. Odent’s opinion. What do you think? Do you agree with me? Please make a comment below!

Don’t forget to take a survey! Please take parent in the appropriate one for you; there are three to choose from: for moms, for dads, and for future parents.

Survey for Dads

	Opinion Polls & Market Research		Opinion Polls & Market Research

Survey for Moms

	Opinion Polls & Market Research		Opinion Polls & Market Research

Survey for Future Parents

	Opinion Polls & Market Research		Opinion Polls & Market Research

Bookmark and Share

Close this Window Bookmark and Share This Page

Save to Browser Favorites / Bookmarks

Email This to a Friend

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

Print This Post

Comments

May 5, 2008 @ 6:24 am, by Yolanda

I gave birth using the Bradley Method, which is husband coached childbirth. Having my husband partner with me through labor and birth was the single most intimate act in our relationship. I couldn’t disagree with the doctor’s opinion more.
May 5, 2008 @ 9:09 am, by Andre

Yolanda,

Bradley Method, is it? I’ll definitely have to do some reading on it. I think I’ll write a follow up post, so I’ll be sure to include it. Thanks!
May 5, 2008 @ 3:01 pm, by Matthew

Are you kidding me? This is just another example of relegating the father to second class parent. Fathers have enough problems asserting themselves as equal partners in parenting and this just reinforces the notion that fathers aren’t as important as mothers in rearing their children.

Being there for my wife and getting to see the birth of my children (we had twins) was one of the best moments of my life.

As for future intimacy, having kids period makes it harder to remain as intimate as you were prior to having kids because both parents are so damn tired. But being there for the birth isn’t something that factors into that, in my opinion.

I think this Dr. Odent needs to retire and stop putting this kind of negative, 1950’s rhetoric into the minds of prospective fathers like yourself.

Just my two cents!
May 6, 2008 @ 2:10 pm, by Adventuredad

Interesting theory…. My own impressions are very different and seem to have been very beneficial for my child, my wife and myself. Mileage may vary though. I think it would be better for some couples to not have the husband present. Those with less than great relationships might endure more stress annoyance.

My wife has given birth to two kids and I’ve been there both times. I would not have had it any other way. I was there the whole time, including 24/7 two weeks afterwards at home to help us to get a good start. Foxy wife has given birth sitting in between my legs and I saw the baby come out. I will admit to not looking directly at the procedure out of danger my sex life would be ruined forever:-))

In the beginning I did not feel much like having sex after seeing the kids come out but this passed after a while. At no point did I find the experience of birth “romantic” etc like some people say. It was damn hard work but a great experience. I would have hated to miss it.
May 6, 2008 @ 2:21 pm, by Andre

Matthew: Thanks for your two cents. It’s reassuring to hear from someone who’s been down this road. I agree that there’s a lot of other things that contribute to the success of a couple’s sex life.

AdventureDad: I am happy to hear that you went to both of your kids’ births and look back to it fondly. It means there’s hope for me
May 6, 2008 @ 5:56 pm, by jon deal

My gut opinion is “what a load of donkey crap!” Of course, fathers should be there!

After thinking about it for a bit, my more reasoned thought is… Nope, still think it’s a wheelbarrow full of donkey dung.

You were there for conception (we assume :-]), you are going to be there for every other significant event in your child’s life, why on earth wouldn’t you be there for his or her birth?
May 6, 2008 @ 6:15 pm, by Jared

I was present for the birth of my son, and wouldn’t have missed it for the world!

I think they key is to remain calm. If you pass out easily from blood or get stressed you are going to be more of a burden than a help.

Realize before you go in there that it is going to be bloody. It is going to be painful for her. It is going to be exhausting and stressful for both of you.

Realize that there is nothing you can do to help other than hold her hand and make her feel comfortable.

But also realize that it will be the coolest thing you see in your whole entire life!

As far as the sex life goes…ya it will probably slow down. You are going to be tired. More tired than you have ever been in your entire life.

Also realize that a woan’s body may be different after having a child. Things tear and need stitched up, but you know what? Things heal too.

If you are scared that the sex will be awkward the first couple times…you are probably right. Take it slow and ease back into the sexual relationship. Not only is it going to be a little weird for you….it is going to be a little weird for her as well.

If you want to read my son’s birth story you can go here:
http://dadthing.com/2008/03/12/happy-birthday-ace/
May 6, 2008 @ 7:09 pm, by Ken

My wife and I are partners and best friends. She wanted me there, and I wanted to be there, to support her through the most difficult physical trial of her life, and the most wondrous events in both our lives. I can acknowledge that each couples’ relationship may be different, but for us I was truly her coach through the experience.

Tangent: from parents who went through one birth without an epidural, and one with - my wife and I will both heartily encourage the epidural.
May 6, 2008 @ 7:13 pm, by SciFi Dad

For reference, I’ll link to my series of posts about my daughter’s birth:
http://talesfromthedadside.blogspot.com/2006/12/trs-our-birth-story-part-1.html
http://talesfromthedadside.blogspot.com/2006/12/trs-our-birth-story-part-2.html
http://talesfromthedadside.blogspot.com/2006/12/trs-our-birth-story-part-3.html

While the doctor’s anecdotes are intriguing, he even admits that he has done no research for either case, and subsequently torpedoes his whole argument.

In the 15000 births he participated in, how many ended with the father leaving for good, or having schizophrenia? How many only had one child and never had sex again? I’m serious: give us stats.

Bottom line: some dads are going to be distractions, and some dads are going to be an advocate or a support mechanism. There are pros and cons, and ultimately it’s up to the couple to decide.

As for the sex life… simple question: what restrictions were there for you to have sex with your wife prior to pregnancy? Occasional fatigue? Work schedules? That’s pretty much it, right?

Now add in a toddler who needs to be fed, cared for, put to bed, taken to the potty (or have their diaper changed), read to, etc. Does that affect the opportunities for sex? What do you think?
May 6, 2008 @ 8:32 pm, by dadshouse

I attended the birth of both of my children. It was intense, to say the least. When my second child was born, his mom and I hadn’t decided on his name. I wanted Alex, she wanted Nicholas. After labor, the delivery nurse turned to me and said “well, Dad, after the pain your wife just went through, are you still going to demand he be named Alex? Or are you going to let the mom decide?”

I felt guilty as hell for the pain my wife went through, and let her name our son Nicholas.

Three days later, I realized how much I disliked that name for my son, and we changed it. (No offense to the Nicholas’ of the world!)

Do I need to watch another child birth? No. Would I if I had another child? Not sure. At this point, pacing in the hallway with a box of cigars doesn’t seem a bad way to get through labor and delivery…

(btw - I’m a single dad now, and I blog about parenting and dating, including online dating, friends with benefits, hookups, and booty calls. Probably not what readers here deal with, but voyeurs (in a blogging sense) are most welcome. A lot of married parents read my blog for its entertainment value…)
May 6, 2008 @ 9:50 pm, by AJ

I will need to make a decision about if I will participate in it or not

Correction. Your wife will need to make a decision about whether you will participate. Hopefully she includes you in that decision.

If a father is not fully invested in the birth, then yes, he should not be present. Not fully invested means watching TV or doing something other than being attentive by the bedside during the entire experience.

Odent’s conclusions are hogwash. They may be true for some especially weak men, but you don’t make decisions based upon the lowest common denominator.
May 6, 2008 @ 9:53 pm, by meta-DAD

He’s Old School. I was there for both my sons’ birth and it was one of the most important days of my life. In this day and age it is really up to you and your wife. If the delivering doctor has a problem with it, change doctors, plain-and-simple.
Best of luck to your wife and to you.
May 6, 2008 @ 10:00 pm, by savvydaddy

I was there for the birth of my son, and I was very glad to be there. Whatever the cultural norms are, we did consciously make that decision as a couple, and so I think that’s the key.

I do think, though, it’s a good idea for husbands not to be in the room if/when the epideral is put in (lots have strong men have fainted upon seeing that gigantic needle)
May 6, 2008 @ 10:02 pm, by John

I was in the room for my daughter’s birth and wouldn’t have wanted to be anyplace else. My wife and I approached this as a team effort and truly relied on each other. We wanted a quiet, peaceful delivery and got just that. Truthfully, I find it weirder when people want their mom and grandmotehr and such in the room. Once your child is born, they really become everyone’s, so my wife and I deliberately kept the birth as our moment to come together as this new family. We didn’t even call any family until after our daughter was born.

This is a moment in life that won’t repeat itself umpteen times, so don’t miss out. So long as you and your wife reach this decision honestly and jointly, it will be the right one.
May 6, 2008 @ 10:10 pm, by William Bateman

Issue: Husbands are distractions - “…he precludes her from relaxing and focusing on the labor.”

Argument: I suppose medical science understands the dynamics of husband/wife relationship better than the husband or the wife, eh? I was present at every one of our children’s births - at my wife’s request! In times of great stress, it is very normal for the wife to desire her husband’s comfort.

Issue: “Husbands stress out their wives - this builds further upon the first point.”

Argument: The wife, by time of delivery, has already been stressed by false alarms, pre-birth labor pains, fears of malformations and general anticipation - the husband has “been by her side all along” and will be there at the birth too! And, why not? It becomes a mutual experience each will treasure for a life time (and makes for great stories when that same baby grows up to be a man trying to decide if he should be a part of or miss the greatest opportunity for father/child bonding ever presented!

Issue: “Relationship suffers - most directly, the sexual relationship. There is a degree of mystery to eroticism. After taking part in the birth, the relationship may never be the same.”

Argument: Amen! After seeing the labor his beloved endured as a result of their love-making - the husband will forever view his wife in a more honorable and sacrificial light than before. My dear wife - who “birthed” six children, is someone whom I deeply respect and honor and many years later - love sharing my bedroom with too!

Conclusion: If your wife wants you to be there - than be there! Forget what the “experts” declare… they weren’t there the night you two shared intimacy that led to pregancy, they weren’t there when you talked about your family’s future dynamics and they won’t be there when your wife needs your help raising that child.
May 6, 2008 @ 10:41 pm, by Kris

@matthew - I could not have said it better.

Being a part of my child’s birth was an amazing experience, one I wouldn’t change for the world. When we have another child, I will be right there again. I watched the whole thing, held her hand all the way through, saw it all. The bond between her and I, already strong, grew exponentially. Being right there the touch my son when he was born immediately (in my mind anyway) started the bonding process of not only mom and child, but also dad and child and all three of us as a family.

We are still only a month postpartum, but she is still as sexy and irresistible as ever to me, and I saw EVERYTHING. I am counting the days until six weeks is up AND she feels better so we can get after it again.

My advice - DON’T MISS IT.
May 6, 2008 @ 11:18 pm, by Chuck

I’m kinda glad I came along 15 comments deep so I don’t have to do all the typing these folks did.

I think the Doctor’s recommendation is bunk…to a point. I’m certain some guys will hit each and every one of those points. If that turns out to be the case they should know it before delivery time and opt out of being in the delivery room.

I’ve been present for the birth of all four of my children.
May 6, 2008 @ 11:49 pm, by BusyDad

I stress my wife out anyway. She’s totally used to it. Therefore, being present at my kid’s birth was no different than everyday life. At least she had a nice wad of flesh (i.e. my hand) to dig her nails into.

I was there for ME, selfish as it may sound. But to deprive ME of welcoming my son into the world would not have sat well with me. Sure, I’ll give my wife 95% of the credit for the birth of my son, but asking me not to be there? Hell no.

And the sex thing? Nah. I was thinking, FINALLY.
May 7, 2008 @ 3:05 am, by Art Dada

I was there for the birth of our son and it was a positive experience. Being there, right when he popped out, was a thrill. However, I did not look into bloody mess of my wife’s gaping vagina for the sake of our sex life.
May 7, 2008 @ 4:46 am, by Jeremy (Discovering Dad)

I agree with all of the dads who said they were present and that this doctor is a quack. Are you kidding!?! Why wouldn’t you be present at the birth? What about the psychological affects on Mom if you aren’t in there - she’s doing all the work, and your out assuming the Sportscenter position from the literal Day 1. I don’t get it. This doctor sounds like he’s making a case for his job to be easier, not the true welfare of the parents.

Finally, and I somewhat hesitate to say this, but let me tell you from personal experience: if there is a problem with the baby, you will want to be there and know what’s going on first hand - they’re not going to come get you and say, hurry with us to the NICU. When we had a problem, they sent me with the baby, and my wife’s mother stayed with her. I strongly believe that the baby needed a loving presence during that time.
May 7, 2008 @ 5:20 am, by Tyler @ Building Camelot

I’m like most of the dads here. I was there with my wife when she had an emergency C-section @ 2AM. There was a curtain blocking my view…I’m glad I didn’t see her insides all over the place.

If you want to be there then you SHOULD be there. Who cares what the doctors think. That time is sacred family time and it’s over in a heartbeat…trust me - you don’t want to miss it.

Another reason you should be there is so you can be the level headed parent in the room. There will be many things going on and your wife will more than likely be out of it. so to speak. You need to be there so you can interact with the hospital staff and ask questions.

Let me know what you decide!
May 7, 2008 @ 1:18 pm, by James

This doctor is a complete goon. The fact that this comes from the Daily Mail says it all. I’m British and happen to know that the The Daily Mail is a conservative, backwards thinking-would-be-Bush-voting type of paper. Anything that comes out of it is to be very taken very lightly. The readership are middle class, middle England dullards.

I was there for the birth of our baby and wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Will absolutely be there next time around too.

I also know that my mrs wanted me there and I helped her wherever I could.

http://jamesspratt.org/blog/2007/10/26/frankie-week-1/

Be there mate, you’ll regret it otherwise.
May 12, 2008 @ 2:59 pm, by Gunfighter

HEre is the thing. If you cvan be there without potentially getting in the way or being otherwise problematic, by all means be there.

My first was born while I was in the Marines, and was out in the field.

When my second was born, I was present, but I didn’t feel the need to have my face or a camera in an up-close and personal place. So I stayed out of the way, choosing to hold my wife’s hand, and give her very quiet, and infrequent encouragement.

It worked like a charm. From my vantage point, I couldn’t see anything that wasn’t necessary, nor did I get in the way of the medical team.

Do what works for you. If you and your wife don’t think it would benefit her or the child… you really don’t need to be there.
May 13, 2008 @ 3:47 am, by Will

Here’s the question you need to ask yourself:

Would you rather be there and experience the birth of your child, or would you rather look back years later and wish you did?

I had an English teacher that was fond of saying “be a shoe, just do it.” It’s better to live with a decision than to regret never taking the chance.
May 13, 2008 @ 11:38 pm, by TVDinner

You know, I have to say I think the doctor has some really good points. I’m a woman, trying to get pregnant, and I really don’t know if I want my husband present at the birth or not. I’ve seen several births as part of my work - I’m a Spanish interpreter - and frankly a lot of the men have been absolute dweebs. They turn on the TV during transition, they distract the woman by asking her every 30 seconds if she wants anything, they tell her to push when it isn’t yet time, they ask about all the machines, they bring video cameras…many of them seem to need babysitters.

Now I get the impression from the lot of you that YOU were better, YOU were different, YOU were supportive, but I do wonder how many of you were secreting adrenaline, how many of you were reaching for her hand and saying stupid things because you thought you should be involved, how many of you were so grossed out by seeing her vagina doing stuff you don’t see in Penthouse….

My husband is one of the most evolved human beings on earth, but I’m not sure he can sit down and shut up long enough to not be distracting during a birth. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, but I the good doctor is right to question orthodoxy.

Just like we’re right to question the orthodoxy of having babies in hospitals with doctors intervening every step of the way.
May 14, 2008 @ 5:04 am, by Darren

I’m a little late to the game here, but I’ll weigh in anyway. I was with my wife for my daughter’s birth and I would never even consider not being there if there were another birth.

I think that all of the doctor’s arguments could go either way. It could be stressful or distracting to NOT have the father present. Matthew and Adventure Dad covered the sex argument. And is this doc seriously saying that some dads leave because they saw their children being born?

Sometimes doctors take a controversial stand just for publicity and publication. That’s probably what’s going on here.
May 14, 2008 @ 12:19 pm, by Andre

Wow, I’m glad to see the comments are still coming in. Thank you all for your response. I’m doing my best to respond to you all.

I wanted to point of that TVDinner’s comment was very thought provoking and made me realize something about the lopsided demographic of people who read this site and others like it: parents (usually fathers) who are interested in be better parents. I think those kinds of parents are perfect in the delivery room.

On the other hand, there’s a lot of people who are not actively seeking to be better parents (for whatever reason). I can totally imagine some men or dads I’ve met just zoning out in the delivery room. In the article, Dr. Odent even talks about how guys all of a sudden have the spontaneous desire to make a phone call in the middle of labor… he attributes it to stress and that many guys (your truly included) start doing some kind of work or activity in very stressful moments to deal with it. Although, some keep a cooler head than others.

In other words, the readers of parenting blogs are setting the bar higher for parents everywhere. Lets not forget that many many many people aren’t good parents and (worse yet) aren’t interested in becoming one.
May 18, 2008 @ 3:38 am, by Greg

Sorry I’m chiming in so late with this, Andre. Our little one came three weeks ago and I’ve had my hands completely full with him.

Speaking of which, I was in the room when “Mommy” gave birth to our son, a moment I wouldn’t give up for the world. I agree with the other Dads here and I strongly encourage you to be there for the birth of all of your children. The look on a child’s face when the first come out, the sound of his/her cries, is something, in my opinion, no father should ever miss out on.

As for the father being a burden on the mother during labor thing, “Mommy” told me she was happy I was there. She told me that I kept her calm and relaxed through the whole thing, as this was all new to her. Being by her side during labor, like I said, wouldn’t trade it for the world.

As for the sex life after giving birth, we’re still within that “no sex within 6 weeks after having a baby” threshold, so nothing has happened yet. I know it may be a bit different once we get back going, but after a while I think things will be the same, or hey, even better!
May 18, 2008 @ 10:11 am, by Andre

Congrats on the little one! I have observed that once the child is born, new parents go “underground” for a while (and appropriately, I think).

Another satisfied father in the delivery room. And Mom’s happy too
June 4, 2008 @ 12:02 pm, by Rebecca

I have had my husband attend the first 4 of my births, and unfortunately he did contribute to the stress - 2 of my births failed to progress and I ended with a caesarean. He was good at my 2nd and 4th births, but unfortunately not good enough - I didnt need his opinions, he isn’t clued into natural birth, and he really sent my planet out of orbit on a few occasions! He had to leave for a while because of his unnecessary ‘helpful’ (not!) comments so I could get back in the zone. He will not attend our 5th birth, but he will be outside the room. (I am homebirthing again, did so last time).

I recently saw Michel Odent in conference, and he explained how he was wildly misquoted in a quick telephone interview, that was then blown out of all proportion. At the conference, he stated that we shouldnt feel bad if we feel that it is inappropriate for the father to be there, as oxytocin is SO CRUCIAL to a smooth birth. If a husband does not impede on that oxytocin flow, Michel has no negative issue with the husband being there. But if a father is anxious, nervous, and high on adrenalin, or trying to talk to his wife while she is in the ‘zone’, which can put her out of whack, he will gently suggest that he leave.

Birth is a huge event for a woman, and the ‘zone’ is such an important place to remain in. I got traumatised by being taken out of the zone so many times in previous births - the contractions that had previously been tolerable, like riding in an ocean, became unbearable. My best birth so far was my 4th, where it was just my midwife and I for the majority of it, and It was powerful, inspiring and life changing. my husband was invited back in to see our baby come into the world.

So if you can silently observe, calmly, in a relaxed manner, and just let your wife get on with it, and be at her beck and call, remembering she is in charge of the situation, then I’m sure the birth will run smoothly. But if you panic, or try to take some control away, be prepared for a rocky ride!

I hope that makes sense.
June 5, 2008 @ 9:40 am, by Andre

@Rebecca: Thanks for the wonderful comment! It’s good to hear the views of a woman who has been through several births. It sounds like you love your husband very much, but probably did not marry him because of his skills in the delivery room.

I’ll admit that as men, we aren’t wired differently and have trouble understanding women, even if we love them terribly.
August 30, 2008 @ 11:25 am, by Trackbacks
- Lost Parent Diary